i followed the white easter rabbit

this easter, i followed the white easter rabit, and it showed me how far the rabbit hole went.

i was oscillating between going and not going for Cosdu's easter camp. Work was my main excuse, but as i admitted that work doesn't pose a problem to be, i began to give more serious thought to it. finally i decided that i can't go wrong in going to a place to spend time with God.

As the days drew near, I prayed with a heart of expectancy knowing that God will indeed reveal something deeper when we seek Him. i was excited, yet hesitant, brave, yet intimidated. coming from a different background, i didn't know how comfortable i would be in the camp. Still, i wanted to get to know real Catholics and see what how they related to God.

"Beyond the Tomb in the Light" was the theme was the camp. The sessions therefore revolved around this theme. The Bible reading was based on Mary Magdalene inability to recognised the resurrected Jesus. We then reflected how we at time are also unable to recognise God when we're blinded by our own grief and despair.

the message became real to me during the evening worship sessions. it was as if each song was specically chosen in that exact sequence to speak to me. they were familiar sunday school songs, i knew each song by heart, or so i thought.

as the room dimmed, and as we sang, each chord stroke hard at my core. "nobody's eyes sees through my soul, better than yours, nobody love can make me whole no one but yours", it was then that i received God's word. He made me realized how tired and burdened i actually was fighting my own battles when "the battle belongs to the Lord." i've always got it all figured out, i've got my own contingency plans, my own wisdom, but i've never stopped to surrender to God's plan and timing. "Jesus break through all my defences, empower me."

it was in this alien non-methodist place that God surrounded me with familiarity and comfort. and then i realized what it is i was searching for all this time; i was yearning to be in the same place of worship with him. i wanted so bad to break the spiritual disconnect. i imagine him there, worshipping along side with me, he would have been in his comfort zone, and i would be in mine.

i thought i had to break through walls of brick to get to that comfort zone, but God put me right where i feel i can belong, all i had to do was to let go and let God. i've set myself loose in a maze, bashing through the blind spots, but when i seeked God, i turned a different corner and found myself right back at home. as God expressed his reassurance, the tears had to flow.

my "Beyond the Tomb into the Light" experience was to be able to see God in the worship songs, songs that have been learnt more by head then by heart, and therefore appeared dead. God was always there, but in my own struggles, i could not recognise Him. But when God drew near and spoke, the songs appeared alive again and the weeping could stop.

"A broken spirit and a contrived heart, you will not despise". In one of the sessions, we were to reflect on what we were weeping for, in the same way Mary Magdeline weeped when she saw the empty tomb. i shared that i was weeping for being unable to weep, and during the worship session, i did eventually weep so that my weeping could stop.